Friday, May 7, 2010

The Baby That Never Was

The first mother's day that I considered myself a mother was passed pretending everything was fine. Inside I was experencing wrenching grief that I felt I was not allowed to express. The month before I'd experienced the miscarriage of my first child. Although I was only 12 weeks pregnant, it was a very real child. Being my first pregnancy, I was so excited and wrapped in that was all my hopes and dreams for the perfect little person that I imagined our baby to be.

The loss was truly devistating for me. The fact that society seems to view morning for a lost pregnancy inappropriate made it all the more difficult. The insensitive comments or silence from others was unbearable. Even though I have a wonderful and very supportive husband, who as also greving, I felt so alone.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I was able to hold my child in the palm of my hand during the miscarriage. He/she was this perfect, tiny person with 10 fingers and 10 toes. Beautiful and perfect. Yet, it was all of my hopes and dreams for the future gone.

I still think about my perfect, tiny child. I wonder what he or she would have been like. As I watch my other children grow, I wonder what would have been.

So this weekend, give a little love and attention to Moms that might have been and Moms that want to be. They need a hug!


  1. So sorry for your day you will be reunited, what a joyous day that will be. Makes the ones we have even more precious...have a wonderful Mother's Day! ((((hugs)))

  2. I am so, so very sorry for you. Sadly, it took me a week to get to where I could write this, and can't promise I'm not going to cry again later. As one of the mommies who want to be, but can't, I can completely understand the heartache and the emptiness of the empty cradle, even if I can't fully understand the whole loss.


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